Walking through the park, headphones on, bobbing my head gently in tune to classical music. Everything around me moves in slow motion; the sun playing hide seek behind burly tree branches, casting shadows upon the colourful fallen leaves. I smile. The first true smile that I can remember - my first time smiling alone in a long time. And I think...
This is my first time without him.
It was here when I met him. His smile was almost as radiant as this sun, and I was drawn to it like a bee to honey. Our shy smiles turned into longer eye contact, our bodies positioning towards each other. Everything was in synch. By the end of it, we were laughing. In those 10 minutes, he made me laugh more than I've laughed the entire year.
He consumed me. All my thoughts, all my emotions - everything was his. Of course, he didn't want it. His mood changed as quickly as the seasons and I didn't know why. I sensed hatred, a deep yearning for something else that not even my nurturing persona could comprehend or aid. After prodding and poking at my self-esteem, I let him go. Actually, he lost me.
- crunch -
That sound of leaves under my feet serves as a rude awakening. Everything clicks now... He came at a time of loneliness. Rather than taking him at face value, my mind turned him into a warped idea of a knight in shining armour saving me from my discontent. I lied, this wasn't my first time without him. He was absent many times when I wanted him near, but I just kept forgiving for as long as my ideal version of him was embedded in my brain. No, this was my first time without him in mind... The tight grasp he had on my heart was invented by me.
Today, that grasp is released. I am free.
Hard to believe I've known him for only a week. ;)
First of I want to say I love reading these posts, It inspires me. Sometimes what I read is more complex but than when I see the overly descriptive sentences describing how wonderful the sun feels when it shines on your face, etc. I see myself :)
ReplyDeleteSi asta imi place - I did a blog when I was in Espana, although it was only meant for my wifey it felt amazing ACTUALLY writing about it!!
Its good to read your posts. I highly agree with much of what you say about this society, suntem pierduti in lumea asta mare si complicata.
Ill leave off in the words of Sander van Doorn and Mayaeni "...Keeping up with the rush, just to go nowhere"
Thanks for the inspiration!